Dear Readers,

I have sad news to report.  Recently, I have been diagnosed with what can only be called a case of unironic Bieber Fever.  No one is more upset about this than I am.  I left Pete and Torio to see the movie with every intention of hating it. What's not to hate?  Bieber is a 16 year-old kid who released a movie about never giving up. Since morale has been low on the road ever since Mubarek gave up power (watch Bieber, Mubarek), I thought I would watch the movie, pick up a few clues, and try them out on the Conan or Bust tour.  But then something happened... I actually began to root for the kid.

People will tell you that one of the most embarrassing items to purchase in life is tampons or condoms.  Allow me to set the record straight.  There is nothing more embarrassing than purchasing one ticket to Justin Bieber's Never Say Never (in 3-D) at 10:40 PM on a Tuesday night.  At least in a drug store, you could buy other products to fool the cashier.  Here, unless I also purchased 12 tickets to Sanctum, there was no real possibility of fooling the cashier.  Although I tried.  I told her I was a movie critic.  Then, I asked to borrow a pen.  When she asked if I needed paper, I held up a napkin as if to say, "Nah, I'm all set."

I entered the theater -- a huge Imax stadium -- and skewered the previews mercilessly.  Warning: there is an animated movie about the Easter bunny who defecates jelly beans (played for laughs) scheduled to arrive this April.  I suggest you leave your first born behind, hop onto a jet ski and ride it until you run out of gas, and wait for the Rapture.  When the lights went down, I was the only one present in the theater.  I took out my pen and napkin and waited for my hatred to arrive.

Instead, I respected the kid, and I felt bad for him.  They showed clips of the kid at 8 years-old teaching himself how to sing and play the guitar and drums, and he was great at it -- a true virtuoso.  They also showed old footage of his playing guitar on street corners while people listened and tossed him a few bucks.  He must have been 9 at the time.  THEN, they showed a clip of him in present day -- wearing tight leather pants and singing stupid bubblegum music and I realized that he is just a kid surrounded by vultures who want to make millions from his talent.  They introduced his spacey mom and his entourage comprising failed bouncers and wannabe record producers and you could tell they see the kid as a meal ticket.

Also, women should be outraged at this movie.  The only clips of his fans showcase teenage girls screaming, crying, and begging to marry the kid.  When asked why they like him, most respond with vagaries like, "his hair" or "his eyes" or "like totally just because!"  Ladies, please stop this. 

Point is, I like Bieber.  So deal with it.  I don't like his music but I respect the kid for his work ethic and his talent.  Also, he did inspire one idea for the tour.  On stage, his producers threw back-up dancers who perform karate on stage for no apparent reason.  That's what my next stand-up show will feature -- Karate back-up dancers. 

Joe

Part 1: Usual anger

Part 2: Watching Bieber (and karate performers) in Never Say Never

Part 3: Bieber Fever

Blog by Pete Jackson

Some people have been wondering how we’re continually updating material while we’re on the road driving hours a day, doing shows and shooting material for the film and viral videos. Well, even though we may be driving for 10 hours a day, the car is our moving office. As we’re driving Joe is writing new content, I’m cutting new material and we’re constantly uploading all sorts of goodies throughout the day. How is that possible, you ask? Well, Macintosh, of course.

It’s no secret that this whole endeavor is being done on a Mac. Joe’s powerpoint presentations were created and are projected from his Mac and all of the material you see on the website is processed, cut and finished on a Mac. Joe’s sister bought him one of those Verizon 4G cards so that we can access the Internet practically anywhere, but up until that point I was even tethering the internet through my iphone (just don’t tell AT&T).

So far the Macs have been good to us. They have been dropped a few times and get shoved into the back of the car every other day, but they still manage to keep working. It even worked wonders while we were writing the songs for the Soundtrack ad we posted the other day. Joe recorded the music in Garageband using a keyboard we brought and I sang right into the front of the laptop. Not bad for a crappy laptop microphone. Sure, this may sound like a pro-Mac ad, but it’s also no secret that we’re looking for corporate sponsorship. If we’re going to try, why not shoot for the stars, eh? It’s our thing.

I also have my eyes set on Radio Shack for corporate sponsorship. It took some time to convince our small group that Radio Shack was worthy. Apparently, no one goes to Radio Shack except for me. I just don’t get it - who doesn’t like DC converters and fuses? All of the equipment on the trip has components that can be easily acquired at the Shack, and their stores seem to be everywhere. But I won everyone over one day when Joe had a very important show and there were only two-prong outlets on the walls. With less than 30-minutes until show time, where does one go to get a 2-prong to 3-prong converter? That’s right…

So if you guys from Apple or Radio Shack are ready to work out a deal, you can contact us via email per our website.  Our mobile office is open today from 6AM until 5PM, and then closed for a show.

- Pete

I've mentioned this before but there must be something universal about our desire to die at the hands of self-aware robots.  Despite the prevalence of Terminator and Short Circuit movies, we humans strive to create a learning computer that will eventually destroy us.

While you were busy sending electronic whales to each other on Facebook for Valentine's Day, Watson was initiating his takeover of Earth.  What's Watson?  It's a supercomputer that challenged two human competitors in a game of Jeopardy! and despite a few technical glitches, proved smarter than his human counterparts.

And how did humanity respond to this disturbing omen?  According to cnn.com, the studio audience cheered and applauded our eventual robotic master.  Alex Trebek had to gently remind the audience that the computer could not see or hear their applause; it could, however, laugh as it pulled out your spine and played it like a xylophone.  

I love Watson. And I'd love to see how it would fare in other TV shows.

1. Deal or No Deal

Watson becomes frustrated with the premise -- it renders his critical thinking skills useless -- and shoots lasers at the Deal or No Deal models.  Howie Mandel lives and comes up with a great sketch for a new version of Howie Do it in which Watson and Mandel remake the movie Twins.  Special appearance by Stephen Hawking as the cool bully who tries to keep Watson down!

2. Grey's Anatomy

After failing to get the microchip he needs to survive, Watson breaks the bad news to his new girlfriend. 

(Spoiler alert: Watson lied -- he doesn't need a new microchip; he just thinks he can do better than Sandra Oh.)

3. The Talk

Watson guest stars on the day-time chatfest and plans to impress the ladies with his infinite knowledge of quantum physics.  After the gals ignore his dire warning about Earth's imminent demise so they can debate the most absorbent tampon, a dejected Watson explodes killing himself and the entire panel.  World rejoices.

Special Valentine's Day Note: People call Valentine's Day a scam but they always make plans for it -- even if it's "no plans."  Last year I was with my fiance, Pete was with his wife and child, and Torio was in space.  This year, we're in a hotel on Conway, AK.  After we arrived, we each took the rest of the night to sleep/settle in/call loved ones/watch hilarious episodes of Mike and Molly.  It's mid-February.  There's one month left.  I have to figure out the next step... In the meantime, enjoy your holiday.

Joe