May 2011

Day # 118 New Movie Reviews by Joe Piccirillo

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Thor - 1 out of 7 Golden Slacks

Synopsis(from imdb.com):The powerful but arrogant warrior Thor is cast out of the fantastic realm of Asgard and sent to live amongst humans on Earth, where he soon becomes one of their finest defenders.

Joe's Take: Most of the time when people illegally enter the country, they don't save us from epic interplanetary battles; they merely draw the ire of Bill O'Reilly.  Thor apparently comes from a species who can conjure up magic and otherwordly powers yet who seem to exist in a primitive time where twitter and yelp.com aren't available.  This is essentially a battle between good and evil waged by a warrior who is handsome and capable -- it's a wish-fulfillment fantasy for fat nerds who read comic books while other guys (who ironically look like Thor) steal their lunch money and girlfriends. 

Unexpected Scene: In another unwise cross-promotional move with CBS, Thor takes a break from interplanetary war to be a contestant on The Price is Right and after overbidding on a toaster, murders half of the audience.

The Beaver - 8 out of 7 Golden Slacks

Synopsis(from imdb.com): A troubled husband and executive adopts a beaver hand-puppet as his sole means of communicating.

Joe's Take: Some things in life are better left unseen.  One of them is the meeting during which the idea for this screenplay was pitched.  How this was made into a feature film falls into a box of unexplained phenomena with the Bermuda Triangle or Rosie O'Donnell's career (despite my complaint letters to God).

This movie strains credulity.  Gibson, a successful executive and father, stumbles into a deep depression for reasons unexplained (perhaps he just saw Something Borrowed), and turns to a beaver puppet for therapy.  If you were to go work with a beaver puppet on your hand, you would not be heralded as a genius; you would be robbed and pushed onto the sidewalk.  Rather than continue trashing the film, I've made a list of ways to effectively use a puppet beaver in your own life.

1. Become a proctologist.  Use the puppet for examinations.
2. Videotape the previous point and send it to Jeff Dunham. 

Unexpected Scene: After losing the beaver in a high stakes poker game, Gibson's character uses a live scorpion (or dead baby, if available) to dole out therapy (and bite unsuspecting passersby).


Something Borrowed
-- -90 out of 7 Golden Slacks

Synopsis(from imdb.com): Friendships are tested and secrets come to the surface when terminally single Rachel falls for Dex, her best friend Darcy's fiancé.

Joe's Take:
This is dark material.  For some reason, romantic comedies have conditioned us to find a situation heartwarming even if our reaction to something similar in real life would lead to alcoholism, depression and beaver-talking therapy.  I want you to put down your Lady Gaga CD and imagine your wedding day.  Then, I want you to imagine that your best friend and fiance revealed their love for each other.  According to the movie, you would be mildly upset. Then, after seeing it from their point of view (they're such a great-looking couple!), you would be the first to champion this new-found love.  A similar thing happened to a friend of mine, and he put on 50 pounds, lost his job, and narrowed his eyes at all women (even -- and especially -- cartoon characters on television).  It makes you wonder how the director and writers would handle the Holocaust.

Unexpected scene: When Kate Hudson learns of the cheating, she throws battery acid into her best friend's face, blinding her for life.  She says, "Now I see who you really are.  And you can never see again!"


Day # 115 by Joe Piccirillo

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Have you ever used a public bench and thought to yourself: "This is too comfortable."  If so, then you should move to Philadelphia.  At SEPTA stations you'll find a bench specifically designed by the people at Veyko to be "resistant to damage and vandalism."  Below is a sample of the bench. 

Apparently the strategy for reducing vandalism and damage is to make a bench so uncomfortable, no one will actually use it.  Unfortunately, the city has contracted Veyko to give other public mainstays their "vandalism-proof" treatment.  I have a list of the proposed changes.  Take a look.

1. 

Costly institution: Public Park

Veyko Solution: Install Nooses.


2. 

Costly Institution: Public Drinking Fountain

Veyko Solution: Random boxing gloves to the groin.


3.

Costly Institution: Public Pay Phone

Veyko Solution: Phone automatically dials Meryl Streep who talks about the craft of acting in between songs from the hit musical and motion picture Mamma Mia!


4.

Costly Institution: Public Fire Department

Veyko Solution: Replace fire crew with the cast of Tyler Perry's House of Payne.  Even if people have legitimate fires, they will be hesitant to invite the clan into their homes.


5.  

Costly Institution: NPR

Veyko Solution: None.  It's too important to tear down. 

Just kidding.  The House of Representatives came up with the real solution: they voted to kill its federal funding.  Thanks anyway, Veyko.


Let's Celebrate Hypocrisy

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Something is bringing more happiness to people than news of Katie Couric's departure from the CBS News desk -- it's the death of Bin Laden.  Those dry-humping frat guys in the streets aren't celebrating a Celtics' win; they're high-fiving because America beat terrorism.  Everyone knows that without Bin Laden, other terrorists will feel dejected and say things during group therapy sessions like, "Well, we gave it a shot" or "I guess we could finally start that bowling league Atwah was talking about."

The celebration has caused a bit of controversy; yet, everyone is taking part in it.  CNN.com released a photo of Obama and his cabinet watching the gruesome murder of Bin Laden (the photo depicts a somber and tension-filled War Room).  

Here's the unphotoshopped version.  Look at it with your favorite Kardashian.