Dear Readers,

I have sad news to report.  Recently, I have been diagnosed with what can only be called a case of unironic Bieber Fever.  No one is more upset about this than I am.  I left Pete and Torio to see the movie with every intention of hating it. What's not to hate?  Bieber is a 16 year-old kid who released a movie about never giving up. Since morale has been low on the road ever since Mubarek gave up power (watch Bieber, Mubarek), I thought I would watch the movie, pick up a few clues, and try them out on the Conan or Bust tour.  But then something happened... I actually began to root for the kid.

People will tell you that one of the most embarrassing items to purchase in life is tampons or condoms.  Allow me to set the record straight.  There is nothing more embarrassing than purchasing one ticket to Justin Bieber's Never Say Never (in 3-D) at 10:40 PM on a Tuesday night.  At least in a drug store, you could buy other products to fool the cashier.  Here, unless I also purchased 12 tickets to Sanctum, there was no real possibility of fooling the cashier.  Although I tried.  I told her I was a movie critic.  Then, I asked to borrow a pen.  When she asked if I needed paper, I held up a napkin as if to say, "Nah, I'm all set."

I entered the theater -- a huge Imax stadium -- and skewered the previews mercilessly.  Warning: there is an animated movie about the Easter bunny who defecates jelly beans (played for laughs) scheduled to arrive this April.  I suggest you leave your first born behind, hop onto a jet ski and ride it until you run out of gas, and wait for the Rapture.  When the lights went down, I was the only one present in the theater.  I took out my pen and napkin and waited for my hatred to arrive.

Instead, I respected the kid, and I felt bad for him.  They showed clips of the kid at 8 years-old teaching himself how to sing and play the guitar and drums, and he was great at it -- a true virtuoso.  They also showed old footage of his playing guitar on street corners while people listened and tossed him a few bucks.  He must have been 9 at the time.  THEN, they showed a clip of him in present day -- wearing tight leather pants and singing stupid bubblegum music and I realized that he is just a kid surrounded by vultures who want to make millions from his talent.  They introduced his spacey mom and his entourage comprising failed bouncers and wannabe record producers and you could tell they see the kid as a meal ticket.

Also, women should be outraged at this movie.  The only clips of his fans showcase teenage girls screaming, crying, and begging to marry the kid.  When asked why they like him, most respond with vagaries like, "his hair" or "his eyes" or "like totally just because!"  Ladies, please stop this. 

Point is, I like Bieber.  So deal with it.  I don't like his music but I respect the kid for his work ethic and his talent.  Also, he did inspire one idea for the tour.  On stage, his producers threw back-up dancers who perform karate on stage for no apparent reason.  That's what my next stand-up show will feature -- Karate back-up dancers. 

Joe

Part 1: Usual anger

Part 2: Watching Bieber (and karate performers) in Never Say Never

Part 3: Bieber Fever