I receive a lot of email. Most of it is spam from creditors looking for their money or worried children looking to make the drop-off for the safe return of their father, but I receive other emails, too. Most of these are from fans. They ask a lot of questions and since the tour is winding down I thought I would update the FAQs. Enjoy.
Special note: I am writing this in a Starbucks in San Francisco. I am drinking something called "AWAKE" tea and I think it derives its name from the reaction one has after drinking what tastes like Chef Boyardee Meatballs in liquid form. I am awake. It's also Starbucks' 40th anniversary. How do I know? Some guy wearing a green hat constantly hovers around my table with a tray of specialty drinks and every time I look up, type a sentence or blink, the guy will start his spiel just like actors do in Broadway musicals replete with "jazz" hands.
1. How is the trip going?
The trip is going well. Here's an idea: check the g**damn website. I have friends -- some of whom I've seen through marriages, divorces, births, deaths -- who will say, "How is the trip? I haven't checked the site yet." I see these same people posting "You've been Rickrolled" and charlie sheen clips onto their facebook accounts. Check out the site. Then, die.
2. What happened to Torio Is he still on the trip?
A: Torio is still with us in spirit, but he's working in Los Angeles for our homecoming. We sent him to an episode of Conan to get the shirt on TV. Also, he has cholera.
3. Do you ever film skits and not release them? What's an example?
A: All the time. The amount of footage and edited videos we don't release after we've put them together inspires sadness in us and humanity. I've listed skits we've shelved before but others include the following ideas:
A. A well-produced commercial for a hot dog vendor in New York City.
Reason we shelved it: It was stupid.
B. A skit where we hire "ugly" people to read lines from classic movies and see if the outcome remains the same. For example, a fat guy reading Olivier Martinez's lines from Unfaithful. Would a woman be as swept away?
Reason we shelved it: Too depressing. The scene with an Erin Brokovich re-do inspired Torio's most recent bout of depression.
C. Next abandoned skit: we chose a character-actor from the 1980's (below is a photo of his hilarious turn as the construction worker in City Slickers) and lobbied to procure him a Star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. We actually did get his name put in for consideration -- a panel votes on which actors are deemed "worthy" of the honor. It also costs $25,000 -- I tried to whittle it down to $500 and free public service announcements for head lice by the actor, but negotiations broke down. We have the audio tapes of these conversations. I think I'd like them to be played in a constant loop at my funeral.
Reason we shelved it: We couldn't get him a star. Although I do have another idea...
D. Promos: We shelved two of them. One was my talking to kids while they pointed out the critical flaws of the trip. The second one involved my waiting in line at a deli counter and the woman in front of me dropping dead. Everyone rushes to help her and the guy behind the counter (who is unaware of the tragedy) asks for the next person in line. After about two seconds, I step over the woman and order 2 pounds of ham.
Reason we shelved it: Kids -- I hate kids and who are they to point out flaws with me? They can't drive or solve algebraic equations. Deli -- thought I came off as a jerk already. Why push it?
4. Tell us a story that won't be on the site, in the book, or in the documentary.
A: While writing in a hotel lobby in Portland, I went into the kitchen to "steal" a mini doughnut. I popped the doughnut into my mouth just as the receptionist walked into the kitchen and said, "What are you doing in here?" I quickly choked down the doughnut, ran the faucet, and put a drop of water into the cup I was holding, "Getting water," I said. it was an industrial sink. I had powder all over my face. She told me to stay out of the kitchen. Next day: Kitchen was bolted shut. I affected change. Beat that, Obama.
5. What are you going to do after this?
A: I don't know. I've become pretty arrogant. I didn't choke creatively, I've won everyone over at almost every club I've been to, and I've solved creative and real-world problems quickly and easily. I love to work and this is work; Pete and I log about 15 - 18 hours a day. I hear Charlie Sheen is hiring.
6. Anything else?
A: Check the website.
If you're like me, you've become bored with Charlie Sheen's antics and are looking for more substantive news. Allow me to deliver the goods: Disney has recently hired iconic photographer Annie Liebovitz to "bring-to-life" their animated characters by hiring A-list actors to portray the roles. For example, in the photo above, Alec Baldwin and Olivia Wilde were cast in roles from the film Snow White.
Now other studios have contracted Liebovitz to work her magic on their fictional characters. Liebovitz sent over some proofs. Take a look:
1. Air Bud
Played by Kathy Griffin
Played by Grey's Anatomy's Sandra Oh
3. Beauty and the Beast
Played by Gabourey Sidibe
We just sent Torio to Los Angeles (replete with Conan or Bust T-Shirt) to infiltrate a taping of Conan and get our shirt screen time. He succeeded, which is good, but now he is prepping for our arrival in Los Angeles, which is bad -- we still want an intern on the road with us.
For now, we’ve being using temporary interns in each city with mixed results – see below.