Joe's Anger

Day # 49 by Joe Piccirillo

Friday, February 18, 2011

Dear Mr. Mubarak,

How have you been?  We’ve read that you’re schedule has recently opened up.  May I suggest a trip to Little Rock, AR?  Although the people of Egypt failed to recognize your long and faithful service, we here in Arkansas promise to never revolt – something like that requires our energy to be diverted from eating at Chilis and mispronouncing words, favorite activities of ours.  There are plenty of great things to do here.  For example, why not check out our porta potty conveniently located next to our traffic light?  History buff?  Well, you’ll love our wide selection of Little Rock artifacts like Bill Clinton’s running shoes and saxophone.  

Not a fan of looking at sneakers?  That’s fine.  Instead, take a tour of downtown Little Rock on our trolley that runs about as fast as evolution (if we believed in that sort of thing) -- it's so slow you’re sure to be robbed by locals at every stop.  It’s all part of our Mugging Crawl.

We hope to see you soon, Mubarak.  We’re keeping the porta potty open for you.

Best,

Little Rock, AR

p.s. Your people insist that time are changing.  Luckily, in AR, time has stopped.

    

   pictured above: trolley              pictured above: porta potty and weird guy


Day # 31 - One Month Anniversary - Joe Piccirillo

Monday, January 31, 2011

I am writing this in a bar (Kitty O’Shea’s) in Chicago.  At the table next to me sits a woman and her 7 year-old son, Mark.  Mark has a signature move – throwing bread at people as if they were seagulls.  It’s adorable to everyone in the bar except for me and the busboy – Mark’s primary target – especially after he overheard a request from the mother for a new loaf of bread.

It's been a month since I left my job in search of something (I think is) better.  The good news is that it's not in Cleveland -- I can cross that off the list.  Sometimes, people will send me emails asking to hear more about what happens behind the scenes.  Just like their support for the trip, either they mean it or they don't.

The road has been good to us. I've figured out how to set up my equipment on stage without too much of a delay, when to call bookers to land shows at good clubs and what jokes will work in certain areas of the country.  We've avoided federal prosecution after an incident at the post office and have been greeted in every city by a blizzard.  We’ve established a routine.  Sometimes, though, when I wake up disoriented in a new hotel room or when we're all in the car silently watching a sunset as we drive through some desolate part of the country, I'll think of my ex and all of our secret moments and wonder what the hell I'm doing.  I’m sure Pete and Torio are experiencing something similar. 

And then, something will happen – I’ll hit a pedestrian or someone on the radio will talk about the unrest in Egypt – and we’ll laugh again. 

I like to drink with strangers -- audience members, comics, locals, even hotel groundskeepers -- because they're always polite and eager to share their stories without a fear of judgment.  They're foolish because I do judge them and it's awkward when I laugh at their dreams. Still, it's freeing to spend time with people for a brief amount of time; you can say or do whatever you want without having to worry about apologizing for your actions.

I must go.  I have to craft my latest missive about Rosie O’Donnell (and Mark just received his loaf of bread), but I will keep you posted.

Best,

Joe

P.S. Happy one-month anniversary, readers.  I didn't get you anything.

 

 


Day # 19 -- Shameful Joy is Still Joy by Joe Piccirillo

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

People who are successful at one venture often believe they can be successful at all ventures -- think Michael Jordan's baseball career or Law & Order actor Ice T's rap career.  There is something universal about our desire to see these successful people fail.  In that vein, I've provided a never-before-seen list of people who have failed at ventures outside of their wheelhouse.  Enjoy the Schadenfreude.


# 1. Roberto Benigni

Successful: Filmmaker



Failed: gynecologist




# 2. Ben Franklin

Successful
: Inventor



Failed
: Surfer



# 3. Felicity Huffman

Successful
: Transvestite (in Transamerica)



Failed
: Real-Life Non-Tranny


Day # 17 - Special Time with Joseph

Monday, January 17, 2011

We're 17 days into the trip and I've already received a stream of criticism.  According to Conan or Bust followers (comprising creditors and telemarketers) I am emotionally unavailable, inscrutable, and downright cold.  Apparently, people want to know about the real me and my take on the trip. Fine.

Well, let me dispel a few myths for you upfront.

Myth # 1"Must be nice!  Leaving everything to hang out in differnt cities drinking, hitting on girls, and telling jokes."

Fact: Let me paint a picture: right now I’m sleeping on couch cushions in the middle of a kitchen floor.  Many things occur to a person when he finds himself at the age of 32 waking up in the middle of the night clinging to the oven drawer that holds pots and pans.  Those things include but are not limited to the following: How did I end up here?  I wonder who will accidentally step on my face first?  At what point will the dog go to the bathroom on me?

Luckily, I don’t have time to worry about such trivial matters as my mind is focused solely on the couch cushions that continually separate about every 30 seconds creating a sort of trap door for my stomach.

Myth # 2"You guys are having so much fun entertaining me, I don't need to be a FB fan of the site."

Fact: If you're not a fan of the site, I can't spam you with information for you to instantly delete or ask to allow me to crash on your kitchen floor.  Remember when I signed up for your boring fb groups or went to your dad's funeral?  It's payback time.

Myth # 3: "You must meet all sorts of interesting characters on the road!"

Fact: Nope.  Except for this guy.  He's a dire warning for us all. This is the face of Bristol, PA.  I put it on a T-Shirt and tried to sell it at the Bristol show.  I sold them all.

Myth # 4: "Why do you always have skits where a minority gets shafted?  Why are you an awful person?!"

Fact: Stop projecting.  I am king of the minorities.  After I write the sketches, we post ads on craigslist for actors.  The only people who show up happen to be minorities.  And we all have a great time.  Or at least that's what I force them to say.

Breaking news update: It was a contractor performing work on the house that stepped on my face.  He later apologized, which was nice, but to be fair I'm not sure what etiquette dictates when it comes to finding someone sleeping on a kitchen floor, who happens to be a houseguest and not a vagrant.  I've already sent in a query to Martha Stewart Living. I'll keep you updated. 

 


Day # 14 - Mac and Diabetes by Joe Piccirillo

Friday, January 14, 2011

Mac and Diabetes by Joe Piccirillo

In an interview with Piers Morgan, Oprah cites the box office failure of Beloved as the catalyst for her headfirst dive into a pile of Mac and cheese. In a related story, Kraft Mac and cheese cites Oprah as the catalyst for their huge 3rd quarter profits.

According to the talk show host: "When I heard I was beaten by Bride of Chucky, I told my chef to make 30 pounds of Mac and cheese."

This development has led me to really, really like Bride of Chucky. In addition, it sparked my curiosity. Surely, Oprah can't be the only high-powered figure to engage in binge-eating as a coping mechanism. I did some research and found the secrets of other public figures. Take a look.

#1.



Public Figure
: Hitler
Food of Choice: Whipped Cream
Catalyst for Binge: lost Battle of the Bulge
Quote: "I lost the battle on the field and in my slacks."

# 2.



Public Figure
: Napoleon Bonaparte
Food of Choice: Lasagna
Catalyst for Binge: Lost at Waterloo

Quote: "A picture is worth a thousand words.  This picture says a thousand yums!"

#3.



Public Figure
: God
Food of Choice : Adam's ribs
Catalyst for Binge: stress-eating for upcoming test of Adam and Eve.
Quote: "Adam's ribs are great for creating Eve and taste delicious with barbecue sauce!"

#4.



Public Figure
: Rosie O'Donnell
Food of Choice: all of the above
Catalyst for Binge: Tuesday
Quote: "More please."


Day # 12 - Dilemma Sequels by Joe Piccirillo

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

It seems like every time you turn around James L Brooks is releasing new laugh-riot movies like How Do You Know?  That's why I want to devote some time to the little guys like Kevin James and Vince Vaughn.  Their latest effort, The Dilemma, focuses on the problems that arise when a guy discovers that his best friend's wife is cheating.  Then, hilarity ensues! 

When I heard the premise -- man struggles with whether to tell his friend about his wife's devious ways -- I immediately thought of some sequels showcasing other "hilarious" dilemmas.


The Dilemma 2

Premise: In this sequel to the hilarious 2011 comedy, Kevin James' character now finds himself in a dilemma.  After a boys' weekend getaway in the mountains, Vaughn and James are broadsided by a tanker truck.  With only seconds left before the car explodes, James is faced with a dilemma: pull out Vaughn from beneath the wreckage even though his legs have been severed OR leave him to die -- Vaughn wouldn't want to live without legs (he loves to tread water!) anyway. 

This Dilemma will make you think but then leave you laughing out loud as you leave the theater!

The Dilemma 3
Premise: 

The boys are back.  After evening the dilemma score last time (James' wife was a cheater, Vaughn lost his legs) the guys decide to run a daycare.  But just when things start to settle down, they're thrown a hilarious curve ball.  Turns out the janitor at the daycare is a sex offender.

Should they turn him in or continue to let him read to the kids during the day?  He's a great janitor and is really, really good with kids! 

Fun for the whole family and your court-appointed attorneys!

The Dilemma 4
 

Premise:
Simply a recut of the classic film Deer Hunter intercut with a laugh track and shots of Kevin James getting hit in the groin. 

So many comedy bullets in every chamber, you can't lose!


Day # 10 -- No Habla Body Language by Joe Piccirillo

Monday, January 10, 2011

Day 10 by Joe Piccirillo

The experts at realsimple.com have spoken: your body language is just as important as your verbal cues. 

According to the Cindi Lepers, author of the article and body language expert: "Every last gesture... tells a story.  Learn what you're telling others with your body language -- and what others are telling you with theirs."  Lepers teaches these techniques to women seeking the "right" man.

I support this wholeheartedly.  Ladies, I've applied these realsimple.com techniques to some people you may come in contact with on a daily basis to help you cut through their verbal BS.  The body doesn't lie.

What he's really thinking: 

#1. Your boss

 

According to Cindi Lepers, body language expert:

"He is standing with an "open" stance, which indicates warmth and happiness.  Now is the perfect time to ask for time off, a raise, or that overtime he keeps promising to give you."

# 2. That guy who's trying to get your attention at the bank



According to Cindi Lepers, body language expert:

"If you look closely (behind the glasses), the corners of his eyes are scrunched up, revealing his wrinkles, which is the only real way to tell if someone is genuinely smiling.  His close-handed fist around the other gentlemen reflects his fierce protectiveness.  He's a keeper.  Now is the time to make your move.  Approach confidently and ask for his number!"

# 3. The calm, cool and collected guy at a family function



According to Cindi Lepers, body language expert:

"Look at his crossed arms.  That indicates insecurity -- he's shy and won't approach you.  I suggest you move in and open strong with some playful banter like, "What brings you here?!"

Also, we're leaving NYC and heading to New Jersey.
Joe

Day # 5: Black Lies by Joe Piccirillo

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Hello.  Did you have a nice day?  Oh, that's great.  Here's the thing, though.  While Pete, Torio (our intern) and I were running around NYC filming videos, bribing hotdog vendors, and avoiding the Spiderman musical for your benefit, you apparently were watching youtube videos about a homeless guy who landed his dream job in radio.  uh-hm. Let's focus on the task at hand, America.

Thanks,

Joe

(Your article is below.)

Most experts agree that parenting is a full-time job. Unfortunately, it has become apparent that people are taking the same half-hearted approach to parenting that they do at their day jobs at Chilis. But how can one really be sure?


Luckily, CNN has compiled a list of "white lies" that parents tell their children. Take a look at a few examples from real people.

White Lie told by Christine Stevens: "When I don't feel like playing with the toy that my toddler chooses, I tell her that it is out of batteries, even if the toy doesn't take batteries. It works with TV shows, too."

 

White Lie told by Rebecca Schorr: "I pretend fortune-cookie fortunes say things like "Your bedtime tonight will be 15 minutes earlier."


White Lie told by Henry Corbett: "When I'm getting ready in the bathroom and the kids start banging on the door, I pretend that it's stuck when I really have it locked."

I can understand the necessity of telling white lies that will benefit the child, but these are simply bald-faced lies lazy parents tell their children to avoid serious conversations.


Luckily, I've arranged for key people in these parents' lives to tell them with "white lies." Let's see if they think the lies are just as harmless.

White Lie told TO Christine Stevens: "I tell my wife Christine that I still find her attractive even though I am repulsed by her." - Mark Stevens, Christine's Husband

White Lie told TO Rebecca Schorr: "I told my wife not to get a haircut because I love it when her hair is longer instead of telling her that I lost our savings at the dog track." Ed Schurr, Rebecca's Husband

White Lie told TO Henry Corbett: "I recently told Henry that his cancer isn't terminal because I had dinner plans later that evening and didn't want to deal with all of that drama." -- Dr. Paul McKinley, Mayo Clinic

 


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