Never Say Never -- -5,000 out of 7 Golden Slacks

Synopsis (from IMDB.com): Follows Justin Bieber with some footage of performances from his 2010 concert tour.

Joe's Take: Historians can't agree on the impetus for the uprising in Egypt, but most think it probably had something to do with this movie. Justin Bieber, the 16 year-old singer, has released a movie about achieving his dreams and overcoming obstacles.  My dream is to lure him into a barrel and toss him into the ocean.  I someday hope to achieve my dreams.  Did I mention that the movie is in 3-D. I watched the trailer and pulled some clips that showcase the great things we all can experience in 3-D.

1. Justin's on a segway.  Absent from photo: the senile janitor he is preparing to roll over. 

2. Justin is surfing the net.  Laugh along with him as he finds himself by searching "douchebag" in wikipedia.

3. SPOILER ALERT: You will be able to actually smell the crap he produces.

Unexpected Scene: Justin hangs himself.  His note reads: "I never gave up... on suicide attempts."

Just Go With It -- 1 out of 7 Golden Slacks

Synopsis (from imdb.com): On a weekend trip to Hawaii, a plastic surgeon convinces his loyal assistant to pose as his soon-to-be-divorced wife in order to cover up a careless lie he told to his much-younger girlfriend.

Joe's Take: I remember a time when Adam Sandler was funny.  Mubarek was still in power and things were right with the world.  Then, he (Sandler, not Mubarek) stopped starring in movies written by Tim Herlihy and things went downhill fast. Movies like this lack someone sitting in the corner during production meetings asking, "Why?"  For example, when the writers (and Sandler) invented a premise in which coworkers, friends, and families have to support a lie that could be rectified with a simple two-sentence explanation, someone -- it could be me or Mubarek (he has some free time) -- should ask why.  Or when someone suggests a beautiful actress to play Sandler's new girlfriend, someone should ask why. 

Apparently, they do have someone present at those meetings who chimes in every so often to remind the writers to add more crotch-hitting.  I imagine inspired meetings during which a writer is struggling with the ending of a scene.  In it, Sandler is placed in an uncomfortable position by someone who is about to expose his lie.  "How can we get out of this scene?" the scribe asks.  "Hit him in the crotch!" the man will yell.  He might even be holding a pennant emblazened with similar words.  The writer will say, "But there's nothing around that could hit him in the crotch -- he's with a bunch of kids!" "Then, have a kid use his head to nail him in the nuts," the man will say.  Relief. Below are two stills from the movie -- one illustrates the scene I just described and the other is a textbook case of a bridge-in-your-groin punchline.  

Instead of watching this movie, you should join the army in Egypt.  Things seem to be better over there.

Unexpected Scene: Just when it seems like someone is going to hit Sandler in groin with a pool cue, he moves out of the way leaving his crotch unharmed.

Gnomeo & Juliet -- 0 out of 7 Golden Slacks

Synopsis (from IMDB.com): Garden gnomes Gnomeo (voice of McAvoy) and Juliet (voice of Blunt) have as many obstacles to overcome as their quasi namesakes when they are caught up in a feud between neighbors. But with plastic pink flamingos and lawnmower races in the mix, can this young couple find lasting happiness?

Joe's Take: Imdb credits seven writers with the creation of Gnomeo and Juliet.  Among them are Andy Riley, writer for Katy Brand's Big-Ass Show, Kathy Greenberg, a scribe for the L-Word, Emily Cook, another writer for Katy Brand's Big-Ass Show, and that guy William Shakespeare who wrote some unproduced plays (and was not a writer for Katy Brand's Big-Ass Show).  I wonder if Shakespeare ever imagined his words coming from the mouths of animated gnomes.  I know I have, but I'm not an iconic writer.  I look forward to book reports from high school students who opted to see this movie in lieu of reading the play.  "My favorite part was when Juliet fell into the driveway and almost killed that hilarious talking iguana played by Robert Loggia."  

Unexpected Scene: Somebody throws Gnomeo at Adam Sandler's groin.  Audience rejoices.

Blog by Pete Jackson

Time is starting to become the enemy. It’s that part of the trip where the three of us need to buckle down for some tough traveling. There is much less time between cities going into this last month of the tour, so it’s going to be many more sleepless nights. Don’t get me wrong: this whole trip has been trying. Take, for example, last week. We left Chicago at 12AM and drove through the night to get to Cincinnati for a broadcast opportunity that had not officially been locked yet. We also did not have a place to stay, so if there was any time in our lives that we could officially say we were “headed nowhere,” that was it.

That night was just another reminder of how things can go when you’re on the road. Things come up, schedules instantly change and most of the time we’re moving so quickly that we don’t even take a moment to notice our surroundings. (Joe had just mentioned the fact that even when we’re driving 10 hours, we don’t realize that we’re passing a beautiful sunset because we’re buried in our computers trying to keep everything on schedule.) When it’s just 3 guys, an around-the-clock operation and nothing but road, you can sometimes experience moments of disconnect much like Tom Hanks did in the movie Castaway. Although each one of us has our own “Wilson,” sometimes it takes other people's humanity to remind us of our own. (For you youngsters, Wilson is the volleyball that Tom Hanks “befriends” while he is stranded on a deserted island.)

That’s why we are thankful for those rare times when we’re tugged away from the work by some of the people we cross paths with. This note is a thank you to everyone who has given us a glimpse of humanity on this trip thus far - whether you have opened your doors to us, volunteered to act in one of our videos, come out to see the shows, or checked up on us daily via the website or Facebook.

As your reward, I have put together a short game of connection. Try to match the COB cast/crew member with their “Wilson” from the trip.

        pictured above: douchebag

Dear Barnes and Noble Community Relations Manager, Katie Schuster:

Congratulations!  You have been nominated for Conan or Bust's Douche of the Month (for January).  Each month, I compile a list of the people who have made my life more difficult for no discernible reason.  Previous nominees include Dr. Laurence Fuchs, the doctor who diagnosed me with "sniffles" after placing the stethoscope onto my shirt even though it was in a chair across the room at the time;  Stan, the customer service operator at Sears who repeatedly called me Mr. Caterpillar while refusing to process my return order for a projector screen with reasoning that inspired incredulity, if not madness; and the entire city of Cleveland -- a place where the toothless seek refuge.

Katie, you came to my attention during a phone conversation that was brief yet informative.  I found out three things almost instantly: 1) I could not perform at your Chicago B & N 2) according to corporate policy, I would not be allowed to perform at ANY Barnes and Noble, despite the fact that I had already successfully booked 3 of them in different parts of the country 3) you are a douche.

The next day,  I received template rejection letters from the Barnes and Noble reps who had booked me.  When I called to follow-up, I was told to stop contacting the company -- my project violated their corporate policy.

By alerting corporate headquarters to my project in an effort to shut it down, you, Katie have earned your nomination for Douche of the Month. 

Winners will be announced on Feb 15.  Winners will be featured prominently on the site and will receive a Douche of the Month T-Shirt, magnets, and a special visit from our intern Torio who will kick you in the ribs.

Best,

Joe Piccirillo