Dear Mr. Mubarak,
How have you been? We’ve read that you’re schedule has recently opened up. May I suggest a trip to Little Rock, AR? Although the people of Egypt failed to recognize your long and faithful service, we here in Arkansas promise to never revolt – something like that requires our energy to be diverted from eating at Chilis and mispronouncing words, favorite activities of ours. There are plenty of great things to do here. For example, why not check out our porta potty conveniently located next to our traffic light? History buff? Well, you’ll love our wide selection of Little Rock artifacts like Bill Clinton’s running shoes and saxophone.
Not a fan of looking at sneakers? That’s fine. Instead, take a tour of downtown Little Rock on our trolley that runs about as fast as evolution (if we believed in that sort of thing) -- it's so slow you’re sure to be robbed by locals at every stop. It’s all part of our Mugging Crawl.
We hope to see you soon, Mubarak. We’re keeping the porta potty open for you.
Little Rock, AR
p.s. Your people insist that time are changing. Luckily, in AR, time has stopped.
pictured above: trolley pictured above: porta potty and weird guy
I am writing this in a bar (Kitty O’Shea’s) in Chicago. At the table next to me sits a woman and her 7 year-old son, Mark. Mark has a signature move – throwing bread at people as if they were seagulls. It’s adorable to everyone in the bar except for me and the busboy – Mark’s primary target – especially after he overheard a request from the mother for a new loaf of bread.
It's been a month since I left my job in search of something (I think is) better. The good news is that it's not in Cleveland -- I can cross that off the list. Sometimes, people will send me emails asking to hear more about what happens behind the scenes. Just like their support for the trip, either they mean it or they don't.
The road has been good to us. I've figured out how to set up my equipment on stage without too much of a delay, when to call bookers to land shows at good clubs and what jokes will work in certain areas of the country. We've avoided federal prosecution after an incident at the post office and have been greeted in every city by a blizzard. We’ve established a routine. Sometimes, though, when I wake up disoriented in a new hotel room or when we're all in the car silently watching a sunset as we drive through some desolate part of the country, I'll think of my ex and all of our secret moments and wonder what the hell I'm doing. I’m sure Pete and Torio are experiencing something similar.
And then, something will happen – I’ll hit a pedestrian or someone on the radio will talk about the unrest in Egypt – and we’ll laugh again.
I like to drink with strangers -- audience members, comics, locals, even hotel groundskeepers -- because they're always polite and eager to share their stories without a fear of judgment. They're foolish because I do judge them and it's awkward when I laugh at their dreams. Still, it's freeing to spend time with people for a brief amount of time; you can say or do whatever you want without having to worry about apologizing for your actions.
I must go. I have to craft my latest missive about Rosie O’Donnell (and Mark just received his loaf of bread), but I will keep you posted.
P.S. Happy one-month anniversary, readers. I didn't get you anything.
People who are successful at one venture often believe they can be successful at all ventures -- think Michael Jordan's baseball career or Law & Order actor Ice T's rap career. There is something universal about our desire to see these successful people fail. In that vein, I've provided a never-before-seen list of people who have failed at ventures outside of their wheelhouse. Enjoy the Schadenfreude.
We're 17 days into the trip and I've already received a stream of criticism. According to Conan or Bust followers (comprising creditors and telemarketers) I am emotionally unavailable, inscrutable, and downright cold. Apparently, people want to know about the real me and my take on the trip. Fine.
Well, let me dispel a few myths for you upfront.
Myth # 1: "Must be nice! Leaving everything to hang out in differnt cities drinking, hitting on girls, and telling jokes."
Fact: Let me paint a picture: right now I’m sleeping on couch cushions in the middle of a kitchen floor. Many things occur to a person when he finds himself at the age of 32 waking up in the middle of the night clinging to the oven drawer that holds pots and pans. Those things include but are not limited to the following: How did I end up here? I wonder who will accidentally step on my face first? At what point will the dog go to the bathroom on me?
Luckily, I don’t have time to worry about such trivial matters as my mind is focused solely on the couch cushions that continually separate about every 30 seconds creating a sort of trap door for my stomach.
Myth # 2: "You guys are having so much fun entertaining me, I don't need to be a FB fan of the site."
Fact: If you're not a fan of the site, I can't spam you with information for you to instantly delete or ask to allow me to crash on your kitchen floor. Remember when I signed up for your boring fb groups or went to your dad's funeral? It's payback time.
Myth # 3: "You must meet all sorts of interesting characters on the road!"
Fact: Nope. Except for this guy. He's a dire warning for us all. This is the face of Bristol, PA. I put it on a T-Shirt and tried to sell it at the Bristol show. I sold them all.
Myth # 4: "Why do you always have skits where a minority gets shafted? Why are you an awful person?!"
Fact: Stop projecting. I am king of the minorities. After I write the sketches, we post ads on craigslist for actors. The only people who show up happen to be minorities. And we all have a great time. Or at least that's what I force them to say.
Breaking news update: It was a contractor performing work on the house that stepped on my face. He later apologized, which was nice, but to be fair I'm not sure what etiquette dictates when it comes to finding someone sleeping on a kitchen floor, who happens to be a houseguest and not a vagrant. I've already sent in a query to Martha Stewart Living. I'll keep you updated.
Mac and Diabetes by Joe Piccirillo
In an interview with Piers Morgan, Oprah cites the box office failure of Beloved as the catalyst for her headfirst dive into a pile of Mac and cheese. In a related story, Kraft Mac and cheese cites Oprah as the catalyst for their huge 3rd quarter profits.
According to the talk show host: "When I heard I was beaten by Bride of Chucky, I told my chef to make 30 pounds of Mac and cheese."
This development has led me to really, really like Bride of Chucky. In addition, it sparked my curiosity. Surely, Oprah can't be the only high-powered figure to engage in binge-eating as a coping mechanism. I did some research and found the secrets of other public figures. Take a look.
Public Figure: Hitler
Food of Choice: Whipped Cream
Catalyst for Binge: lost Battle of the Bulge
Quote: "I lost the battle on the field and in my slacks."
Public Figure: Napoleon Bonaparte
Food of Choice: Lasagna
Catalyst for Binge: Lost at Waterloo
Quote: "A picture is worth a thousand words. This picture says a thousand yums!"
Public Figure: God
Food of Choice : Adam's ribs
Catalyst for Binge: stress-eating for upcoming test of Adam and Eve.
Quote: "Adam's ribs are great for creating Eve and taste delicious with barbecue sauce!"
Public Figure: Rosie O'Donnell
Food of Choice: all of the above
Catalyst for Binge: Tuesday
Quote: "More please."
It seems like every time you turn around James L Brooks is releasing new laugh-riot movies like How Do You Know? That's why I want to devote some time to the little guys like Kevin James and Vince Vaughn. Their latest effort, The Dilemma, focuses on the problems that arise when a guy discovers that his best friend's wife is cheating. Then, hilarity ensues!
When I heard the premise -- man struggles with whether to tell his friend about his wife's devious ways -- I immediately thought of some sequels showcasing other "hilarious" dilemmas.
The boys are back. After evening the dilemma score last time (James' wife was a cheater, Vaughn lost his legs) the guys decide to run a daycare. But just when things start to settle down, they're thrown a hilarious curve ball. Turns out the janitor at the daycare is a sex offender.
Should they turn him in or continue to let him read to the kids during the day? He's a great janitor and is really, really good with kids!
Fun for the whole family and your court-appointed attorneys!
The Dilemma 4
Simply a recut of the classic film Deer Hunter intercut with a laugh track and shots of Kevin James getting hit in the groin.
So many comedy bullets in every chamber, you can't lose!
Day 10 by Joe Piccirillo
The experts at realsimple.com have spoken: your body language is just as important as your verbal cues.
According to the Cindi Lepers, author of the article and body language expert: "Every last gesture... tells a story. Learn what you're telling others with your body language -- and what others are telling you with theirs." Lepers teaches these techniques to women seeking the "right" man.