Day # 42 -- New Movie Reviews

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Friday, February 11, 2011

Never Say Never -- -5,000 out of 7 Golden Slacks

Synopsis (from IMDB.com): Follows Justin Bieber with some footage of performances from his 2010 concert tour.

Joe's Take: Historians can't agree on the impetus for the uprising in Egypt, but most think it probably had something to do with this movie. Justin Bieber, the 16 year-old singer, has released a movie about achieving his dreams and overcoming obstacles.  My dream is to lure him into a barrel and toss him into the ocean.  I someday hope to achieve my dreams.  Did I mention that the movie is in 3-D. I watched the trailer and pulled some clips that showcase the great things we all can experience in 3-D.

1. Justin's on a segway.  Absent from photo: the senile janitor he is preparing to roll over. 


2. Justin is surfing the net.  Laugh along with him as he finds himself by searching "douchebag" in wikipedia.


3. SPOILER ALERT: You will be able to actually smell the crap he produces.


Unexpected Scene: Justin hangs himself.  His note reads: "I never gave up... on suicide attempts."


Just Go With It -
- 1 out of 7 Golden Slacks

Synopsis (from imdb.com): On a weekend trip to Hawaii, a plastic surgeon convinces his loyal assistant to pose as his soon-to-be-divorced wife in order to cover up a careless lie he told to his much-younger girlfriend.

Joe's Take: I remember a time when Adam Sandler was funny.  Mubarek was still in power and things were right with the world.  Then, he (Sandler, not Mubarek) stopped starring in movies written by Tim Herlihy and things went downhill fast. Movies like this lack someone sitting in the corner during production meetings asking, "Why?"  For example, when the writers (and Sandler) invented a premise in which coworkers, friends, and families have to support a lie that could be rectified with a simple two-sentence explanation, someone -- it could be me or Mubarek (he has some free time) -- should ask why.  Or when someone suggests a beautiful actress to play Sandler's new girlfriend, someone should ask why. 

Apparently, they do have someone present at those meetings who chimes in every so often to remind the writers to add more crotch-hitting.  I imagine inspired meetings during which a writer is struggling with the ending of a scene.  In it, Sandler is placed in an uncomfortable position by someone who is about to expose his lie.  "How can we get out of this scene?" the scribe asks.  "Hit him in the crotch!" the man will yell.  He might even be holding a pennant emblazened with similar words.  The writer will say, "But there's nothing around that could hit him in the crotch -- he's with a bunch of kids!" "Then, have a kid use his head to nail him in the nuts," the man will say.  Relief. Below are two stills from the movie -- one illustrates the scene I just described and the other is a textbook case of a bridge-in-your-groin punchline.  

 

Instead of watching this movie, you should join the army in Egypt.  Things seem to be better over there.

Unexpected Scene: Just when it seems like someone is going to hit Sandler in groin with a pool cue, he moves out of the way leaving his crotch unharmed.

Gnomeo & Juliet -- 0 out of 7 Golden Slacks

Synopsis (from IMDB.com): Garden gnomes Gnomeo (voice of McAvoy) and Juliet (voice of Blunt) have as many obstacles to overcome as their quasi namesakes when they are caught up in a feud between neighbors. But with plastic pink flamingos and lawnmower races in the mix, can this young couple find lasting happiness?

Joe's Take: Imdb credits seven writers with the creation of Gnomeo and Juliet.  Among them are Andy Riley, writer for Katy Brand's Big-Ass Show, Kathy Greenberg, a scribe for the L-Word, Emily Cook, another writer for Katy Brand's Big-Ass Show, and that guy William Shakespeare who wrote some unproduced plays (and was not a writer for Katy Brand's Big-Ass Show).  I wonder if Shakespeare ever imagined his words coming from the mouths of animated gnomes.  I know I have, but I'm not an iconic writer.  I look forward to book reports from high school students who opted to see this movie in lieu of reading the play.  "My favorite part was when Juliet fell into the driveway and almost killed that hilarious talking iguana played by Robert Loggia."  

Unexpected Scene: Somebody throws Gnomeo at Adam Sandler's groin.  Audience rejoices.

Date: 
Friday, February 11, 2011