Zookeeper: rating -- Golden Slacks exploded into sadness

Synopsis (from imdb.com): A group of zoo animals decide to break their code of silence in order to help their lovable zookeeper (Kevin James) find love -- without opting to leave his current job for something more illustrious. woman.

Free Pants' Take: When robots become self-aware and enslave us, they will point to this movie and Jim Belushi's long career as the reasons for our demise. My heart sank after reading this synopsis. The questions that arise from this premise lead to incredulity if not madness.

There are five (5) credited screenwriters for this movie and one imagines the sad conferences where teams of screenwriters argued for and against James' urinating into a potted plant to garner the affections of Leslie Bibb. I imagined breathless calls to loved ones during lunch breaks. (Or, perhaps it was one of the few immediately agreed upon gags.) The only thing missing is additional screenwriter and suicide inducer Nia Vardalos to add some hilarious texting gags between a sexy college student, Kevin James, and a flatulent salamander.

The movie fails as entertainment, but it does succeed as a mass homicide note.

Unexpected Scene: James takes the advice of Bambi the Black Widow (voiced by the luminous Jennifer Tilly) and beds, murders, and eats Leslie Bibb.