Your Highness -- 0 out of 7 Golden Slacks

Synopsis (from imdb.com): When Prince Fabious's bride is kidnapped, he goes on a quest to rescue her... accompanied by his lazy useless brother Thadeous.

Joe's Take: I applaud all forms of comedy -- parody, satire, irony, and fat people tumbling down stairwells -- so I was willing to suspend my judgment of a film that parodied a non-existent genre. Then, I saw that Danny McBridge was involved and was willing to suspend disbelief when his Kenny Powers character inevitably cursed and masturbated his way through medieval situations.  Then, I saw Natalie Portman and David Gordon Green were involved -- two filmmakers who lend gravitas to films -- and thought the movie could be hilarious and poignant.  Then, I saw a clip of the movie in which Kenny Powers falls down the stairs in full armor and forces James Franco to suck his own "venom" and I spent the rest of the afternoon huddled underneath the table thinking of the sad conversations between crew members and their families about their work days. This movie feels like the result of a bad poker games between theses actors' and the director's agents.  At least this should put a dent in James Franco's self-esteem.

Unexpected Scene: the gang happens upon an enchanted television that plays NBC's The Cape in perpetuity.  Audience rejoices.

Soul Surfer - 2 out of 7 Golden Slacks

Synopsis (from imdb.com): A teenage surfer girl summons the courage to go back into the ocean after losing an arm in a shark attack.

Joe's Take: A lot of people will tell you this is a courageous story about overcoming obstacles but I see it as another tale of generational entitlement gone awry.  I look at this from the shark's perspective.  This girl is trespassing on its territory, updating her facebook statuses and sexting while it's trying to relax and find something to eat.  So it bites off her arm to send her a message and what does the girl do?  She goes back into the shark's property.  This is disrespectful. When I do this to my neighbor, the courts tell me I'm to blame.

Unexpected Scene: During a scene in which the girl insists that everything happens for a reason, God appears and admitted that he was asleep at the wheel on this one -- he was catching up on episodes of Bones.  When will they get together?

Arthur -- -5 billion out of 7 Golden Slacks

Synopsis (from IMDB.com): A drunken playboy stands to lose a wealthy inheritance when he falls for a woman his family doesn't like.

Joe's Take: Here's a better synopsis: Go to the bathroom.  Look down.  Imagine less laughs.  That's the movie.

Unexpected Scene: Halfway through the film, Helen Mirren's face falls off -- it turns out to be a disguise worn by the hilarious Danny McBride -- Mirren died three years ago. Then, he tries to get Arthur to suck his own "venom."