Dear America,

Please take a seat.  Have a glass of Merlot -- it's from your favorite vineyard.  Are you comfortable?  Good.  Great.  I wanted to talk with you.  You might not know this but a while back Pete and I decided to take a leave of absence from our jobs and spend untold dollars and hours crafting smart and hilarious videos for you to enjoy. We hired actors, secured locations, and even got an on-set tutor for Torio all for your benefit.  And do you know how many views we have?  Five (5).  Five views.  So I went to youtube looking for videos with the most hits and happened upon this:

If you're too busy retweeting Rebecca Black's latest legal troubles to check it out on YouTube (although you probably have already bookmarked it and played it at bar mitzvahs and funerals), I'll give you the gist: "comedian" Jeff Dunham has a puppet he calls Achmed the Dead Terrorist.  The puppet says inappropriate and offensive things but since it comes from wood, you seem to love it.  In the clip above, Dunham asks Achmed if he likes Bush (the President), but Achmed thinks Jeff is talking about a vagina.  "I love bush... oh, you mean the president!" The crowd (and you) respond with uproarious laughter.  Note the fat, bearded guy who is laughing so hard he temporarily forgets about the unrest in Libya.

I guess my question is this: America... what the F***?

Determined to give you what you want, I looked up the top three YouTube videos and found the following images.  In an effort to give you what you want, I have crafted rebuttal videos that should ensure "viral" stature for Conan or Bust.  You had better enjoy this.

# 1 YouTube viral video:

Cat Playing Piano

Description: A cat (or a puppet cat) plays piano

Joe's copy"cat" viral video:

Description: I strap two cats to my hands and play the piano with their heads.

# 2. YouTube viral video:

"Funniest Prank Ever"

Description: A creepy, middle-aged man straps a plastic skunk to a metal rod and sticks it underneath a park bench much to the surprise of people eating lunch/conducting drug deals on it.

Joe's Copycat viral video:

Description: I up the ante by strapping  a real skunk to a metal rod and surprising funeral attendees and surgeries all to the tune of Lynyrd Skynyrd's What's That Smell?

# 3. YouTube viral video:

Jennifer Aniston and Smart Water

Description: Just as we were about to film this skit, Jen Aniston took a break from making crappy movies to steal my viral video idea.  Basically, she puts herself "into" famous viral videos to get hers to go viral.  It was successful.  She has over 8 million views. 

Joe's Copycat viral video:

Description: I just project her commercial on to my screen while on stage.  Then...

...I hit this guy in the groin with a football/nuclear weapon.

Give me my viral video, America.  Or else...