Hall Pass -- 1 out of 7 Golden Slacks

Synopsis (from imdb.com): A married man is granted the opportunity to have an affair by his wife. Joined in the fun by his best pal, things get a little out of control when both wives start engaging in extramarital activities as well.

Free Pants' Take: Like its sister movie, The Dilemma, this does not seem like a premise that lends itself to belly laughs.  This sounds like a compromise that's struck between two damaged adults looking for an easy way out of their marriage.  Plus, Owen Wilson!  I've said it before: any movie made with Owen post-suicide attempt is really a gift from God.  The movie will basically teach the men that they love and need their wives. 

Unexpected Scene: Owen Wilson successfully commits suicide on camera. 

I am Number Four -- 0 out of 7 Golden Slacks

Synopsis (from imdb.com): John is an extraordinary teen, masking his true identity and passing as a typical high school student to elude a deadly enemy seeking to destroy him. Three like him have already been killed ... he is Number Four.

Joe's Take: People (I'm looking at you, Stephen Hawking) always talk of the intelligence of aliens and yet it seems that whenever they attempt to hide out on our planet, they choose the form of an athletic and attractive teenager.  That will draw unwanted attention.  Instead, they should come down to earth as Michael Sabie (see picture). 

I went to 7th grade with this kid and no one, not even the teachers (or God), acknowledged his existence.  Except for the time I put earth worms down his shirt and pushed him down a slide -- then everyone thought he was hysterical (even God).

The alien falls in love with an Earth girl and that probably creates some conflict for their parents -- think Montagues and Capulets only with alien DNA -- while intense battle scenes take place in between bake sales and band marches.  Think Drumline meets Men in Black. 

Unexpected Scene: The alien takes a break from intergalactic warfare to study for the SATs. 

Take Me Home Tonight -- -78 out of 7 Golden Slacks

Synopsis (from imdb.com): Follow an aimless college grad who pursues his dream girl at a wild Labor Day weekend party. He, his twin sister and their best friend struggle with their burgeoning adulthood over the course of the night.

Joe's Take: Movies and books always depict a romantic view of emotional disconnection and misspent youth -- people always end up "finding themselves" at a party in a great location like the Hamptons or atop the Statue of Liberty with a beautiful woman who somehow pieces together the fragmented parts of their iives.  Where are the movies that depict people in sweat pants huddled in the corner of their parents basement drinking rum out of a Slushee cup while The Break-Up plays in perpetuity in the background?  This is another Hollywood scribe's wish-fulfillment fantasy movie.  The reality is that most people don't "find themselves" and if they do, they're probably too old or trapped to do anything about it. 

Unexpected Scene: After turning down his dream girl, the main character leaves the party, buys a ticket to Hall Pass, and then commits suicide with Owen Wilson afterwards.