Day # 33 - Chicago Sucks by Joe Piccirillo

  • strict warning: Non-static method view::load() should not be called statically in /home/mjid3fbcfbud/public_html/modules/views/views.module on line 879.
  • strict warning: Declaration of views_handler_argument::init() should be compatible with views_handler::init(&$view, $options) in /home/mjid3fbcfbud/public_html/modules/views/handlers/ on line 0.
  • strict warning: Declaration of views_handler_filter::options_validate() should be compatible with views_handler::options_validate($form, &$form_state) in /home/mjid3fbcfbud/public_html/modules/views/handlers/ on line 0.
  • strict warning: Declaration of views_handler_filter::options_submit() should be compatible with views_handler::options_submit($form, &$form_state) in /home/mjid3fbcfbud/public_html/modules/views/handlers/ on line 0.
  • strict warning: Declaration of views_handler_filter_boolean_operator::value_validate() should be compatible with views_handler_filter::value_validate($form, &$form_state) in /home/mjid3fbcfbud/public_html/modules/views/handlers/ on line 0.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Hey Chicago,

It's Joe Piccirillo.  For years, I've had to listen to people sing your praises: Chi-town is beautiful, inexpensive, and fun.  "It has spirit!" people would say shortly before I would punch them in the ribs or throw their popcorn/catheter across a room.  The problem is that I'd never been to the home of corruption and failure (think Cubs and Perfect Strangers) and I couldn't refute their opinions.  And say what you will about me, I like my hatred when it's based upon facts.

Now I can speak with authority: you fail, Chicago.  We arrived shortly before a blizzard.  News reporters chatted nervously about its impending impact while pedestrians scrambled to acquire foodstuffs for the hibernating period.  All the while I sat in a bar (see previous post) and wrote scathing diatribes against Kathy Griffin.  After one night of admittedly decent blizzard weather, I awoke to find... sunny and clear skies.  The roads and sidewalks had been plowed and all seemed right with the world. 

I decided to celebrate with a cup of coffee.  Too bad not a single business -- restaurant, movie theater, or strip club (replete with breakfast buffet) -- was open.  Most had signs with words that had been scribbled on them in a panic that read: Closed for storm! or Storm forces us to close! or Open! (that was an ER).  So basically, after having realized that the blizzard was over, business owners decided to remain closed rather than re-open and rake in the money.  Had they opened, they could have earned my $5 for a breakfast burrito. 

Well, at least your hotel offered food and services, right?  Nope.  For the past few days, one would be hard-pressed to find hotel guests or hotel workers in the building.  It was like that AMC show Walking Dead only without the hope.  For a moment, I thought the world had been inhabited by zombies.  Then, I spoke to a hotel clerk and realized that it definitely was. 

After some travel, we finally stumbled upon an open bar and grill.  The waitress was an older woman with the sass of someone much younger, thinner, and attractive.  I had asked for some bread and she retorted, "Some or all of it?!"  I shot her the kind of glance the Terminator gives to someone shortly before it throws him through plate glass windows, but she was undeterred. 

In my fantasies, she would have a heart attack and beg for some of her medication and I would respond, "Some or all of it?"  Then, after she succumbed I would hang a sign from her that read: "Closed indefinitely."

Chicago, you have 3 days to make it up to me.  I like coffee, breakfast burritos and sassless waitresses.  Do the right thing.

- Joe



Wednesday, February 2, 2011