Jackass 3-D: 0 out of 7 Golden Slacks

Plot Synopsis(from IMDB.com): (none)

Joe's Take: When the staff at imdb.com cannot publish a plot synopsis for a movie it means one of two things: either the movie is so beautiful, it transcends language or the movie is Jackass 3-D, a film that has the honor of falling under the umbrella of IMDB keyword category "Covered in Feces."

I spent a good chunk of time pondering the need for such a category -- what sort of person searches for movies based on its inclusion of feces-covering? Turns out, it joins the ranks of other movies showcasing feces including Trainspotting and Slumdog Millionaire. Mind you, these are listed as the BEST covered-in-feces movies, which obviously means that countless other, lesser films are left out. Slumdog received over 172,000 votes. Is this for the movie or its feces coverage? The site doesn't say.

Anyway, this is the sort of film I wish had advertisements based on moviegoers' experiences. "Best date movie ever!" someone would exclaim as they elbowed their date or nearby pedestrians in the ribs. If any value can be derived from the film, it's that it makes America's Funniest Home Videos seem delightfully restrained in their showing of groin-kicking footage.

Unexpected Scene: Cameo appearances by Supreme Court Justices Sonia Sotomayer and Elena Kagan who engage in a mud wrestling battle with Steve-O and Knoxville. After losing, Kagan decrees that the match be stricken from the record.


Conviction - -8,000 out of 7 Golden Slacks

Synopsis (from imdb.com): A working mother puts herself through law school in an effort to represent her brother, who has been wrongfully convicted of murder and has exhausted his chances to appeal his conviction through public defenders.

Joe's Take: Swank is becoming the new Glenn Close: an asexual man/woman who fights for something that no one but she really cares about. I don't want to talk about that, though -- I want to talk about the title. There is nothing, except for movies that don't include feces-covering, that angers me more than faux-intelligent screenwriters who create titles with double meanings. Instead of providing a review of the film, I want to propose other "intelligent" movies with titles that have double meanings.

Offensive Line:

Frank (Craig T. Nelson), a former linebacker for the Jets turned Miss America Pageant host, develops a fatal case of Tourette's syndrome hours before the telecast. Can he overcome his disorder in time for his presentation to the Girl Scouts of America? Will his disorder affect his dinner with the CEO and his Christian wife? Will he be covered with Gatorade (or feces!) after making it through the show? Only time will tell.

Pregnant Pause:

Allison (Camryn Manheim) can't catch a break: she lost her job as a fitness instructor, her boyfriend left her, and she just found out that she can't have children. But then, after her cable goes out, a friendly repair man (Ernest Borgnine) gives her a magical remote control filled with his semen. When Allison accidentally eats the remote control during a late night binge, she wakes up pregnant and with the ability to stop time -- each time she belches, it hits the pause button on the remote. Will Allison be able to care for her new child? Can she fend off the terrorists vying for her magical remote? You don't want to miss a minute of this hilarious musical comedy that IMDB calls one of the best covered in feces movies of the year!

You're Out!

Steve Simmons (Gary Busey) is one of the toughest umpires in baseball. That is, until a newspaper photographer snaps photos of him coming out of a gay bar. Is Steve gay or at the bar for another hilarious reason? This comedy from the people that brought you Schindler's List might throw you a few curve balls! Starring Betty White as Steve's best friend and sassy head umpire.

Unexpected Scene: After Swank's character wins the court case, a bailiff dumps her into a barrel filled with feces.