Host: Homegrown terrorists are a new and grave threat that we face each day. It renders racial profiling and traditional methods of detection useless. Luckily, we put our resident problem-solver Earl on the case.
(Earl enters stage)
Host: Hi, Earl.
Earl: Hello. It's simple.
Everyone knows that President Bush passed a law expanding the government's power to wiretap and monitor emails without a warrant, but they might not know that the law is still in place.
I, for one, think this is great news and hope this new policy will bring to justice many of the Al Qaeda operatives I come in contact with on a daily basis. Since federal investigators will soon be monitoring this show, I compiled a list of these "homegrown" terrorists.
My Neighbor Stephen Abdula Uren
My neighbor, Frank Turgil, has been seen doing Stephen Abdula Uren's laundry. Feds, if you're having trouble finding Frank, he's the guy next door to me that plays loud music at 2 AM every night. I found out just last night, when I asked him to turn the music down and he replied, "Sorry. I'm celebrating the imminent death of America. Then, he spit on the Constitution."
"Student Loan Guy" Mushin Atwah
Next up: another disappointment. My student loan officer, Steven Wiggins, has had several phone conversations with Mushin Musa Matwalli Atwah. He told me about it once while demanding payment. He said, "I can't defer your payments anymore; you need to pay now. Also, freedom sucks!" At least I think that's what he said because soon after he set fire to an American flag and I couldn't hear him over the flames. Call 1-800-SallieMae. While we sort this out, I won't make any payments to this terrorist organization. Go America!
"Baby" "Baby" Ahmed Ali
Next up: Mark Smith and Jared Wright, two terrorists disguied as babies, have been passing intelligence to Ahmed Mohammed Hamed Ali. They were last spotted next to me on a plane from Los Angeles to Boston two weeks ago. They were scoping out the cockpit of the plane before and after the flight. During the flight, they relaxed by screaming into my ears at a volume slightly softer than space shuttle launches for six hours.
Special note: During the flight, "baby" said one word, repeatedly: Jihad. His "mother" insisted he was saying, "Dad," but I know what I heard. That's why I was the only American brave enough to tackle the babies and stow them safely in the overhead compartment.
Finally. Paul Reiser. He created, wrote, and starred in Mad About You. If that's not a crime against America, I don't know what is.
Host: But that's a terrible idea. You don't have any proof. These are just people you hate.
Earl: You're right. I hate terrorists. Problem solved.