Monologue Jokes -- 8/29/13

 
According to a recent study, people who completed 20-minute singing exercises every day for three months were 14% less tired; however, they were 100% more likely to be murdered by their spouses.

Mazda recently unveiled a new concept car designed for and by millennials.
It is powered entirely by a sense of entitlement.

Mazda recently unveiled a new concept car designed for and by millennials.
It has a shiny and sleek exterior and no engine.

Mazda recently unveiled a new concept car designed for and by millennials.
According to a spokesperson, the car is paid for entirely by your parents.

Mazda recently unveiled a new concept car designed for and by millennials.
Its onboard computer will even take pictures of your accidents and tweet them for you. “Totes driving off cliff” #coolmazdadeaths

Mazda recently unveiled a new concept car designed for and by millennials.
A spokesperson said, "We're already over it."

Photos have emerged of Alec Baldwin assaulting a camera man. "The only problem," said the paparazzo, "was that I wasn’t able to photograph my own beating."

Fast food workers plan to gather in cities across the country in protest against low wages.
New Jersey governor Chris Christie has already declared a state of emergency.

Fast food workers plan to gather in cities across the country in protest against low wages.
Worse, after a long day of protesting, the workers will have nowhere to stop for a quick bite to eat.


Fast food workers plan to gather in cities across the country in protest against low wages.
It’s so bad Anthony Weiner thinks he may even have a shot at defeating imcumbent Mayor McCheese.

A Pennsylvania woman was arrested after she allegedly gave birth to a baby in a bar bathroom, left him in a toilet tank, then returned to her seat to watch a wrestling match. A spokesman for the WWF said, “Talk about must-see TV.”

A Pennsylvania woman was arrested after she allegedly gave birth to a baby in a bar bathroom, left him in a toilet tank, then returned to her seat to watch a wrestling match.
In wrestling terms, that move is called The Dunk Tank.

A woman is suing the revenge porn site UGotPosted after her ex-boyfriend posted naked photos of her. In response, Anthony Weiner said, “If I’m elected, my first order of business will be to personally contact every woman on this site and offer my assistance.”

According to a study published in the Journal of Arthritis and Rheumatism, a diet that includes broccoli can significantly reduce the onset of arthritis in adults over 55. If you’re over 55 and suffer from arthritis, reading this study can also be linked to your depression.

Taiwanese airline EVA Air is launching a Hello Kitty jet that will provide passengers with light snacks and pleasant conversation. In a related story, Delta airlines announced that it’s launching a Garfield jet that will serve lasagna and plunge immediately into the ocean.

Taiwanese airline EVA Air is launching a Hello Kitty jet. Unlike the cat, once the plane crashes you won’t have 8 more lives.
Pope Francis recently addressed gay rights saying, “If someone is gay, who am I to judge?” Then someone reminded him that he was the Pope.

On a recent flight when asked why he carries his own luggage, Pope Francis said, "Because we have to be accustomed to being normal." Then, he sped away in his secret, bullet-proof car.