Monologue Jokes -- Archived

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Actress Mo' Nique revealed that she and her husband Sidney Hicks have an open marriage. Apparently, Hicks was upset with the compromise as he wanted to sleep only with other women.

According to reports, Americans who planned to adopt Haitian children say their dreams were crushed due to the delays caused by the earthquake. The Haitian children agreed, saying their dreams were also crushed, along with their legs.

A trainer was killed in Seaworld last week when a killer whale attacked her just as she was telling the the crowd what to expect during the show. Later, the crowd said the trainer was being modest and that the show far exceeded their expectations.

TV chef Paula Dean is still recovering from wounds inflicted upon her when someone threw a turkey at her last week. It seems that turning the tables is sweeping the nation -- yesterday, a radio went to the bathroom on Lady Gaga.

Johnny Di Palma, the 9-year old labeled a pizza prodigy, says that one day he hopes to be a pizza maker full-time. This marks the first time someone's back-up job and dream job were the same.

The U.S. News Media Group unveiled their 2010 rankings for America's Best Nursing Homes. The best was California's Golden Years Community Center while the worst was still Thatcher’s Funeral home.

In Houston there was a big turnout for a job fair for convicted felons. Apparently, they put all of the applicants in a room and the boss picked new hires from a line-up.

It’s been reported that two women in the UK were arrested for taking a corpse onto an airplane. The charges were dropped when officials realized it was just Larry King.

It’s been reported that the fourth most popular term searched on the Internet by children under the age of 7 is "porn." In an unrelated story, the most popular term searched on the Internet by R. Kelly is “children under the age of 7.”

According to reports, a senior Iranian cleric says women who wear immodest clothing and behave promiscuously are to blame for earthquakes. In response, a reporter asked, “Ms. Palin, why are you dressed as an Iranian cleric?”

After the Healthcare bill was signed into law, the headline on foxnews read: “Obama to America: “I win; you lose.” People have said that the editors of foxnews should crawl into a hole and die, but thanks to health care reform, we won’t let that happen.

Microsoft has developed a computer-interface system called Skinput that turns a person's hand into a keyboard and screen for surfing the Internet. The product is expected to do poorly since most people have no free hands when surfing the internet.

It’s been reported that there is a new genital disorder which leaves women in a constant state of sexual arousal. Although doctors do not agree on a cure, they do agree that arriving at the diagnosis is a lot of fun.

High school students attending a prom in Oklahoma say they watched as a repo man drove away a limousine they had rented. The kids admitted they shouldn’t have rented a limo from Nicholas Cage.

Porn company Vivid Entertainment has offered to bail out the Octomom from foreclosure if she agrees to take off her clothes for a film. In a related story, Vivid entertainment also offered to bail out Kirstie Alley if she agrees to never take off her clothes.

A New Jersey man was jailed after he intentionally vomited on patrons during a Phillies game. Witnesses say the assailant hit both of his targets – a man and his daughter. In response, the Phillies immediately signed him.

The head of a new literacy program says that letting kids read to dogs will build their confidence because the children won’t feel judged by something with less intelligence. If no dogs are available, he lets the children read to Kathie Lee Gifford.

Bill Gates submitted a patent for technology that would allow him to control the weather. In an unrelated story, Steve Jobs’ house was destroyed yesterday by 12 hurricanes.

According to a recent study, obesity is a major contributor to erectile dysfunction. Researchers were relieved saying, “Thank God. All these years we thought it was just because of Joy Behar.”

A soldier returning home from Iraq surprised his daughter on her birthday by popping out of a box and exclaiming, “Daddy’s home!” The next day she tried to return him for a Nintendo Wii.

Automakers are gearing up to produce cars equipped with Internet access and display screens, which will allow people to do fun things while driving like find themselves in Wikipedia by searching “douchebag.”

Pet blogging -- where people write from their pet’s point of view -- is on the rise. Just yesterday, a blog post from Tiger Woods’ dog read: “Master will be in my house for a long time.”

Alex Greven, the 10-year old author of best-selling books How to Talk to Girls and How to Talk to Dads has already inked a deal to write a follow-up in 20 years. The book will be called How to Talk to Virgins or How to Talk to Alex Greven.

An Austrian man was arrested for fathering children with his daughter and locking them all in his basement. In addition to facing charges, he will also be replacing Steve Martin in the sequel to Cheaper by the Dozen.

It was reported that a 14-year old girl with amnesia turned up in New York City this weekend. The last thing she remembers is Roman Polanski handing her a drink and telling her to “say cheese.”

Earth Hour – a time during which people will turn off their electricity to raise awareness for climate change – will take place next week. Everyone is expected to participate simultaneously except for the people in New Orleans who have already been without power since Katrina -- way to show your commitment, guys!

Barnes and Noble just unveiled its new E-reader this weekend. It costs $245 and is part of a new trend in which companies are pushing for nerds to not only to be beaten but robbed, too.

In Russia, a circus trainer was mauled by an ice-skating bear. Doctors think he would have survived, but then a shark parachuted into his ambulance and ate him.

Shiloh Pepin, a girl who was born with fused legs, a rare condition called "mermaid syndrome," has died. She will be tossed back into the ocean next week.

It was reported that the janitor of a New Jersey church murdered a priest during a heated argument. Police say the crime scene was a mess, but luckily the janitor was there to clean it up.