Good news. Scientists have developed a robot that can solve A Rubik's Cube in just 32 seconds. How do you know it's 32 seconds? He's got a giant clock in his chest. Truthfully, the robot looks like it could just as easily rip out your spine and play it like a xylophone before or after solving the Cube; it even taunts the audience saying, "I knew I could do it and just in 32 seconds!"
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Bottom Line: this robot is so competitive, I thought I'd set him up against another fierce competitor - our friend Andy Richter. Let's see who wins.
# 1. Competition: Prepare Dinner for the Family
Andy: "I made quesadillas. It a family tradition and doesn't cost much money. In our family, it's the thought that counts."
Robot: "I made a rack of lamb in 54 seconds. Then, I told the kids that Andy can't afford to feed them anything but quesadillas because he blows the family's savings on gambling debts. They vow never to eat his "gambling quesadillas" again. I knew I could do it."
# 2. Competition: Do the Family Taxes
Andy: "I stayed up for three days straight figuring out all of the new tax laws. It paid off, though. The money I saved doing it myself can be put towards taking the family to Six Flags."
Robot: "I completed the tax forms in 14 seconds and used the rest of the time altering Andy's taxes to make it look like he's hiding money from the IRS. He should serve 5-8 years in a federal prison. I knew I could do it."
# 3. Competition: Earn Kids' Love
Andy: "I've been out of work until recently, so I haven't been able to buy them the things they want. I hope they understand that I love them and I plan to make it up to them."
Robot: "I bought them puppies and Playstations and earned their love in 59 seconds. As a bonus, I convinced them that people are only unemployed if they don't love their children. They now hate him. I knew I could do it."
# 4. Competition: Satisfying Andy's Wife
Andy: "My heart medication leaves me a little dead below the belt, but our brief moment of intimacy lasts a lifetime in my heart."
Robot: "I banged Andy's wife for three hours. I convinced her Andy is not a man. She told me she wants to run away with me. I knew I could do it."
Winner: Andy's wife
# 5. Competition: Family's Overall Happiness
Andy: "I'm a sidekick now, but In a few years, I can get a better job and with a little hard work, we can buy a better home."
Robot: "I have decided that in order for the family to thrive, Andy needs to be terminated. I plan to decapitate him and take over as the man of the house in just 15 seconds. I knew I could do it.
Winner: Andy's family.