The pentagon has developed a non-lethal ray gun which can be used to deter terrorists from advancing on American soldiers in Iraq or old people attempting to get ahead of you in line at Roy Rogers. It's simple: according to a report on 60 Minutes, when the gun is fired at an individual, his nervous system is tricked into sending urgent pain messages to the brain. The messages range from, "Ouch! Hot coffee!" to "Ouch! Robot set fire to and ate my legs!" The beauty of the ray gun is that as long as the person backs away from the path of the ray, he will not suffer physical damage.
After seeing the report, we immediately applied for our own ray gun.
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To expedite the process, We've sent the Pentagon our list of practical civilian uses (see below).
Fire On: People riding the "up" escalator.
When: Just as an old woman with a walker reaches the top.
Why: She will fall backwards (possibly on babies and the elderly). During the ruckus, lines for How Do You Know? will be significantly shorter.
Fire On: Bathroom Stalls
When: Just as people sit on toilets.
Why: If timed perfectly, it will instill in people a very real fear of their own bodily functions. If videotaped with laugh track, it will be a contender for America's Funniest Home Video.
Fire On: Mothers delivering babies
When: The first appearance of the baby's head
Why: The baby will choose to re-enter the womb ultimately leading to the demise of Huggies products and commercials as well as terrible Father's day gifts made entirely of macaroni.
Fire On: Waiter
When: Before he informs you of the "specials"
Why: No one cares about your pan-fried sea bass.
Fire On: John Irving
When: Any time he approaches a typewriter or computer keyboard
Why: Read World According to Garp.
Note: Irving retaliated against the ray gun by reading aloud his novels. Ray gun imploded.