Obesity in Children

Obesity is sweeping the nation.  It's almost as popular as vampires.  Luckily, we asked our resident problem-solver Earl to weight in on potential solutions.

(Earl enters stage)

Conan: Hi, Earl.

Earl: Conan.

Conan: How have you solved the obesity epidemic?

Earl:  Easy.

In a recent study put forth by the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation, scientists suggest that children will eat foods based on their names.  The study found that children ate twice as many carrots when they were renamed "Super X-Ray Vision Carrots."

If it's true it stands to reason that the opposite is true: if you rename unhealthy foods, kids won't want to eat them either.  I already took the liberty of sending these new foods to cafeterias across the nation.

1. Tiny Penis Brownies



2. "You're Adopted" Pizza Bagels




3. Super Gay Chicken Fingers




4. "I Heart Wedgies" Mac N Cheese




5. Wacky Welfare Doughnuts




6. Whoopi Goldberg's Extreme Chocolate Breast Milk




Conan: That's a terrible solution.

Earl: Problem Solved.