Kids Ruin Historical Figures

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We've saddled some of history's greatest minds with children from your favorite family movies. Put your kid in the dryer and read this list quickly before it's too late:

# 1.

Name: Mozart
Bio: Prolific composer whose works are acknowledged as masterful achievements of symphonic, chamber, piano, operatic, and choral music.
Highlight: Figaro lauded by Prague critics and audiences.
Quote: "Meine Prager verstehen mich" (My Praguers understand me)

Name: Mozart with ... Abigail Breslin from No Reservations
New Bio: Gave up music to pursue a lucrative career in cabinet-making.
New Highlight: Received a "World's Best Father" plaque made of macaroni
New Quote: "This is a well-designed cabinet that can accommodate many foodstuffs."


Name: Thomas Jefferson
Bio: Third President of the United States, the principal author of the Declaration of Independence (1776), and one of the Founding Fathers.
Highlight: Lewis and Clark Expedition, Louisiana Purchase.
Quote: "Man once surrendering his reason, has no remaining guard against absurdities the most monstrous, and like a ship without rudder, is the sport of every wind."

Name: Thomas Jefferson with... Curly Sue from Curly Sue
New Bio: Gave up politics to knit slacks for the Continental Congress
New Highlight: On his deathbed, Jefferson wonders whether he made the right decision retiring from politics and letting Ben Franklin start a theocracy. Curly Sue tells him a story about a butterfly. Jefferson smiles, hugs her, and dies happily. America survives for two more weeks.
New Quote: "We hold these truths to be self-evident: your slacks will be ready by Thursday, Mr. Adams."

# 3.

Name: Louis Pasteur
Bio: French chemist best known for inventing the process known as pasteurization. He is regarded as one of the four main founders of microbiology.
Highlight: Won the Leeuwenhoek medal, microbiology's highest honor, in 1895.
Quote: "I have the faith of a Breton peasant, and by the time I die I hope to have the faith of a Breton peasant's wife."

Name: Louis Pasteur with ...the kid from Jerry Maguire
Bio: Gave up microbiology to become a blacksmith.
Highlight: Once made a horseshoe that looked like a moon. Was once moments away from discovering the process of pasteurization when an unexpected tickle fight broke out.
New Quote # 1: "I did not know that bees and dogs can smell fear, but I do know that I love noogies!"

# 4.

Name: Jonas Salk
Bio: An American physician and researcher best known for the development of the first successful polio vaccine.
Highlight: Probably the polio vaccine.
Quote: "Who owns my polio vaccine? The people! Could you patent the sun?"

Name: Jonas Salk with... Balki from Perfect Strangers
New Bio: Gave up on virology to work as a janitor with his slow cousin from Mypos.
New Highlight: Misunderstandings involving his cousin and their girlfriends, which ultimately proved that friendship was more important than any "vaccine.
New Quote: "If it weren't for the crippling polio, I would love to do the 'Dance of Joy' with you."