How To Pass Your Mid-Terms

We’ve all been there. It’s Sunday night, the night before your World War I History class mid-term, and you’ve just sat down to study when you look over your notes and find nothing but pictures of exploding powder kegs and little snippets of words that combined may or may not spell out the words World War. In other words, you’re screwed.

Relax. We’ve got you covered. We’ve spoken to over 100 professors from some of the most prestigious universities in America and they’ve provided last-minute mid-term study tips for you. Pay attention:


#1.



Alfred Leeger, PhD. – Professor of Molecular Physics & Mathematics, Harvard University
(Dr. Leeger enters stage)

“Call the three smartest kids in your class and in your best policeman voice politely inform them that their parents are being held hostage. They’ll be so shaken up, there’s no way they can screw up the curve. If they ask you any questions, tell them they blew it and now their parents are dead.”
 

#2.



Michael Windham, PhD., Professor of Advanced Chemistry, Rutgers University
(Dr. Windham enters stage)

“Call up the smartest person in the class and ask to borrow his notebook for an hour so you can make photocopies. If he says no, tell him you understand and politely hang up. Three hours later, pull the firm alarm in his dorm and steal his notebook while everyone waits outside. If he and his roommate are still in the room when you arrive, set them on fire to cover your tracks. Luckily, you already pulled the fire alarm.”
 


#3.




Dr. Elias Wilchek, M.P.H., M.D., PhD., Professor of Civil Engineering, New York University

“Bring a big bag of meat to the exam with you and ‘accidentally’ spill it all over the professor. Fifteen minutes into the test, have your friend escort a wolf into the classroom. While the professor is wrestling with the wolf, steal the test answers from her grade book.”


#4.




Dr. Frederick Synz, PhD., Professor of Advanced Calculus, Northeastern University
(Dr. Synz enters stage)

“Create a dummy email account in your professor's name and use it to send an email to the entire class saying the exam is cancelled and that the rest of the semester will be pants-optional.”


#5.




Francis Frisino, PhD., Professor of Social Work, Vanderbilt University

“I'll give you an A if you promise to stop throwing squirrels at me in the dining hall.”