Hollywood’s version of reality is just much different than ours, and I’ve had enough. I was so upset, I made a list of things in a movie that would have played out differently in real life. Today's Movie: The Goonies.
What Happens: Chunk breaks a priceless picture.
Hollywood Version: The Goonies still include him in activities; they even like him.
Reality Check: Nobody likes fat kids. Chunk’s ass knocks over so much stuff, it could be another character in the movie.
Reality Action: After Chunk breaks another painting, the Goonies give up on the treasure hunt and spend the rest of the day shoving him into a mailbox with raccoons.
: Kids stumble upon Mama’s secret hideout.Hollywood Version
: Hoping to scare the kids away, the “ruthless killer” pretends to be a hostess at a burned down restaurant like that singing clock in Beauty and the Beast
: According to John Walsh, host and creator of Cops
, “When murderers have to choose between killing people or entertaining them, they almost always choose to kill.”Reality Action
: She puts all the kids in barrels and drops them onto the ocean floor. Data uses his last breath to say, “I can't B-R-E-A--!”
What Happens: Chunk professes his love for Sloth and offers his home to the big lug.
Hollywood Version: The Chunk family is ecstatic about the new monster that will be joining them for dinner. What better companion for a growing boy than a 35 year-old beast who has been locked in a basement for years!
Reality Check: If public opinion polls were legally binding, this guy would be put in jail for every perceived crime in America.
Reality Action: Sloth accidentally rapes everyone when the nearby convenience store runs out of Baby Ruth. Cops shoot him dead at the scene.
What Happens: Father pays off mortgage with rubies from the pirate ship.
Hollywood Version: The bank couldn’t be happier to stop the foreclosure. The wife also seems to love the idea of her 10 year-old son being the primary breadwinner in the family.
Reality Check: “Typically, the process of foreclosure takes anywhere from 10-18 months and it’s almost impossible to stop at the last minute and we don’t accept rubies,” says Ronald Dollinger of Chase Bank Manhattan.
Reality Action: The bank still forecloses on the house. The wife stops sleeping with him. He beats her.