On Drugs Vs. Off Drugs

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Mothers and government officials are always talking up the negative effects of drugs. Turns out, some notable creative achievements were fueled by drug-induced mayhem. We spoke with Special Agent Rod McKee of the DEA to settle, once and for all, which is better: On Drugs or Off Drugs.

(Agent Rod McKee enters stage and sits next to Conan and Andy)

# 1. Bob Dylan


On Drugs: Wrote the three seminal rock and roll albums of the decade.

Off Drugs: Used credibility earned from writing the three seminal albums of the 60's to sell women's underwear and Fedex products. Also, looks like the guy who sleeps behind the Shop Rite.

Which is better?

Rod McKee:
"On Drugs."

# 2. Stephen King

On Drugs: One of the most prolific writers of his time, producing critical and audience favorites such as The Stand, Carrie, and The Shining all during coke binges.

Off Drugs: Now sober, writes a column for Entertainment Weekly in which he extols the virtues of Dancing with the Stars. Experts agree he is on the verge of either falling off the wagon and writing his greatest novel yet or staying sober and producing Stephen King's Zesty Pesto Recipes.

Which is better?

Rod McKee:
"On Drugs."

# 3. Aerosmith

On Drugs: Wrote hits like Dream On, Seasons of Wither. Covered Yardbirds' Train Kept a Rollin'.

Off Drugs: Without mind-altering drugs, the group not only wrote Dude Looks Like a Lady but sold the rights to the studio that produced Robin Williams' Dysfunctional-Manchild-Dresses-In-Drag-To-Stalk-Kids disaster Mrs. Doubtfire. What did we do you to you, Aerosmith?

Which is Better?

Rod McKee:
"On Drugs."

# 4. Scott Baio

On Drugs: Teen "heart throb" with a secret pot addiction.

Off Drugs: Sober, out-of-work actor struggling to make ends meet.

Which is better?

Rod McKee:
"Off Drugs."