Cliffnotes: "Etiquette" Guide

People are always telling you things like, "Don't wear snow pants to church," or "Don't use other people's diaphragms," but what do they know about life? I decided to go to reigning etiquette expert, Sharon Hill, who wrote a best-selling book on the subject. The book includes many valuable tips and mantras that can help you successfully sail through life. To help illustrate some of Miss Hill's points, I've crafted a quiz around some of her etiquette tips. Think you know everything about etiquette? You might be surprised.




1. You're on line at the deli and the old woman ahead of you suddenly falls to the floor and starts convulsing. You:


A. Perform CPR on the woman.
B. Laugh, then regain composure and call 9-1-1 to laugh with the operator about what just happened.
C. Call the manager for help.

* According to Sharon Hill, author of Wild Women's Guide to Etiquette, the correct answer is B.
p. 56: "Cliches are around for a reason - they're mostly true. Laughter is the best medicine."

2. Your best friend just lost his wife to a freak accident and is devastated. In order to comfort him, you:

A. Tell him that she constantly hit on you and was planning on leaving him, anyway. Then, get upset and say that this affects you more than him.
B. Take him out for a beer and listen to him talk."
C. Tell him about the woman who collapsed and died in the deli. Laugh.

* According to Sharon Hill, author of Wild Women's Guide to Etiquette, the correct answer is A.
p. 87: "Often, a quick dose of the truth can prevent the spread of 'infection' of the mind and soul."

4. You find a wallet in a department store. You immediately:

A. Return it to the local lost and found.
B. Use the Driver's License to open an account at Blockbuster. Rent every copy of Santa Paws. Burn them. Travel across the country and repeat.
C. Throw it in the trash. We all have to do our part for the environment.

* According to Sharon Hill, author of Wild Women's Guide to Etiquette, the correct answer is B.
p. 167: "It takes great courage to do something for the greater good of humanity. Someone who attempts to eliminate unnecessary evils from the world deserves our adulation and respect."

5. You find yourself at a funeral, but you forgot to wear pants. You:

A. Stand behind the large arrangement of flowers during the entire ceremony hoping no one notices that you also have a weak bladder and quickly excuse yourself.
B. Leave a nice message on a piece of paper and tape it to the coffin. Then, go see How Do You Know?
C. Take pants from the dead guy. He's not going to need them, anyway.
(Bonus: after you take the pants, leave only the bottom half of the casket open)

* According to Sharon Hill, author of Wild Women's Guide to Etiquette, the correct answer is C.
p. 98: "People love practical jokes and what better audience than a crowd of people in need of some good cheer?"