January 2011

  • strict warning: Non-static method view::load() should not be called statically in /home/content/14/14034314/html/modules/views/views.module on line 879.
  • strict warning: Declaration of views_handler_argument::init() should be compatible with views_handler::init(&$view, $options) in /home/content/14/14034314/html/modules/views/handlers/views_handler_argument.inc on line 745.
  • strict warning: Declaration of views_handler_filter::options_validate() should be compatible with views_handler::options_validate($form, &$form_state) in /home/content/14/14034314/html/modules/views/handlers/views_handler_filter.inc on line 589.
  • strict warning: Declaration of views_handler_filter::options_submit() should be compatible with views_handler::options_submit($form, &$form_state) in /home/content/14/14034314/html/modules/views/handlers/views_handler_filter.inc on line 589.
  • strict warning: Declaration of views_handler_filter_boolean_operator::value_validate() should be compatible with views_handler_filter::value_validate($form, &$form_state) in /home/content/14/14034314/html/modules/views/handlers/views_handler_filter_boolean_operator.inc on line 149.
  • strict warning: Declaration of views_plugin_style_default::options() should be compatible with views_object::options() in /home/content/14/14034314/html/modules/views/plugins/views_plugin_style_default.inc on line 25.
  • strict warning: Declaration of views_plugin_row::options_validate() should be compatible with views_plugin::options_validate(&$form, &$form_state) in /home/content/14/14034314/html/modules/views/plugins/views_plugin_row.inc on line 135.
  • strict warning: Declaration of views_plugin_row::options_submit() should be compatible with views_plugin::options_submit(&$form, &$form_state) in /home/content/14/14034314/html/modules/views/plugins/views_plugin_row.inc on line 135.

Day #3 -- Joe's letters to passersby

Monday, January 3, 2011

Update by Joe

According to an article on yahoonews.com, If one expresses his feelings in a letter, those feelings will be better understood (and received) by the recipient.  So, I've written my thoughts about our 2 days in NYC in letter form.

1. Dear Audience Members: it is impossible to look cool lugging around a backpack, projector (replete with a carrying case made entirely from Richard Simmons' lycra-spandex shorts) and a 30-lb projector screen that looks like a shotgun.  It's hard to nonchalantly walk onto stage and make hilarious observations about your deficiencies when I have to set up a projector/screen for ten minutes.   I remind myself of my 8th grade gym teacher when he was forced to teach "Health and Sexuality."  He would fumble around with the overhead projector and you got the sense his mind was still in the gymnasium, collecting dodgeballs, clocking in shuttle run times, and mentally guessing the number of sit-ups each student could do in 60 seconds.  Point is: take those few minutes during my set-up to reflect on your sadness instead of throwing beer bottles at my Richard Simmons' Lycra-spandex case.  Thanks.

2. Dear New Yorkers: I am not a magician.  My giant shotgun/projector screen does not suddenly appear out of thin air for a surprise blow to your groin (although I wish it did).  You can see it and me from blocks away if not from space.  Instead of walking into it and sending me twirling around like some princess from an animated Disney cartoon, please consider dropping to the floor and rolling into nearby subway stations effective immediately.

3. Dear Hollywood/Nick Cage: Please stop making movies about sorcery.  No one cares about secrets from the 17th century.  We want stories that take place in contemporary times with characters that are relatable like shrewish women or men who cannot comprehend the principles behind car repair and gravity.  Plus, cameos by Robert Loggia.

4  Dear shuttle driver: I had a dream.  And in that dream, you picked me up from the Newark airport at a predetermined time.  In that dream, the hotel also confirmed that you would be going to the airport every half hour on the hour.  I must have been dreaming because in reality you arrived to pick me up at a time that indicated no forethought.  I actually believe you showed up at the airport accidentally and when I flagged you down, it jogged some sort of memory about your job.   I guess your memory wasn't jogged enough, though, since you actually asked ME for directions back to the hotel. 

Also, just a heads up: since you stopped to fill up on gas (which took about 1 hour because the van was the size of a space shuttle) and smoked a few cigarettes on the way back to the hotel, it's not impolite to also see a movie (like James L. Brooks' latest laugh-fest How do you Know?), do laundry, or take the LSATs while I sit inside a heatless van listening to Gloria Estefan's Rhythm is Gonna Getcha in perpetuity.

5. Dear Waitress in hotel lounge: staring at me (with your coworkers) will not stop me from writing on my laptop in your restaurant.  I appreciate your subtle signals, though.  For example, sweeping up next to me while occasionally shoving the broom into my feet was not lost on me.  I look forward to our continued tension throughout the rest of the week.

Dear Conanorbust readers: Please keep reading and send your love/hate our way.  We're writing two new videos for NYC that should be fun.  I'll talk to you soon.



Day #1

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Happy New Year.  How did you spend your New Year's?  I spent mine crafting hilarious jokes for your enjoyment.  Our PR rep insisted that we start a travel blog that will give you insights into the behind the scenes hilarity that ensues when we buy toilet paper or book hotels on expedia.com.  Imagine the fun we can have together when I live tweet from the bathroom or upload photos of our intern Torio succumbing to pneumonia.

Here's what you can expect: Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, I will provide commentary on the things that have happened that aren't on film -- what we've eaten and how many lapdances we've received.  Pete will present his take on Tuesdays and Thursdays.  On the weekend, you'll have to fend for yourself.

Keep up with us, slacker.